Here I am....

So the worst feeling as a parent happened to Jason and I the other night. I am just now recovering.
Jason had just come home from grocery shopping and I was cooking. We were both busy putting away groceries and trying our best to move around each other in our itty-bitty kitchen when Jason says "Its too quiet, I am going to check on the little girl." I continue with meal prep when Jason says, "Rachel I can't find Mikayla, please come help." I immediately stopped what I was doing and went to search but thought nothing of it until I noticed that our front screen door did not get locked after Jason came home with the groceries. Mikayla can open that door when its not locked.

Instant panic.

I ran outside, Jason ran outside. He ran down the street shouting her name. I ran inside to check all the places I thought she would hide, shouting her name. I picked up my phone, went outside and ran the other direction shouting her name, preparing to call 911. Jason ran inside and searched some more. For 3-4 minutes we did this.........when she emerged from behind the couch. I sat down sobbing, completely unable to move. Paralyzed. The thoughts that ran through my head in those 4 minutes were awful.


Mikayla, being the concerned child that she is asked, "Mommy, whats wrong?"


"Mommy was so scared we lost you."


"I scare you mommy?"


"Yes baby. When you hear mommy and daddy saying 'Mikayla!' you need to answer us and say 'Here I am!'"


Big hug from my confused toddler. I held tight and we prayed right then and there.


I don't know if she thought she was in trouble, or if she thought we wanted her to do something, and if that was why she didn't let us know where she was. Who knows. It was scary.


I think sometimes God just wants me to say "Here I am." Obviously God always knows where I am, but I think just declaring it, maybe even shouting it, is all that is needed. I think sometimes I fear answering Him means that He wants me to do something, or maybe I am in trouble........but I think sometimes He just wants to know we are here, and will answer when He calls our name.


Here I am by Downhere


Sometimes your calling, comes in dream
Sometimes it comes in the Spirit's breeze,
You reach for the deepest hope in me,
And call out for the things of eternity.


But I'm a man, of dust and stains,
You move in me, so I can say,


CHORUS:
Here I am, Lord send me,
All of my life, I make an offering,
Here I am, Lord send me,
Somehow my story, Is part of your plan,
Here I am


When setbacks and failures, and upset plans,
Test my faith and leave me with empty hands,
Are you not the closest when it's hardest to stand?
I know that you will finish what you began.


These broken parts you redeem,
Become the song, that I can sing
(chorus)


Overwhelmed by the thought of my weakness,
And the fear that I'll fail you in the end,
In this mess, I'm just one of the pieces,
I can't put this together but you can.


HERE I AM.

It's Fall Y'all

Have you ever given a single thought to all the leaves changing colors? I mean it's fall, so with that comes: football, homecoming, school activities, Halloween, winter clothes shopping, etc......so I am guessing you all have plenty of things to occupy your time without having to think about a silly orange leaf. BUT, if you live in Colorado, the colors of the season are a big deal. BIG.

It truly is remarkable. All the gold, red, and orange colors of the trees. The crisp feel in the air. Its nostalgic.

But all the fuss is really over death. Yes, death. The leaves are changing colors because they are dying! Its the end of the run for the sad little guys. Gone are the days of blowing in the wind, being a home for a little critter, showing off their green physique. It's time for them to kick the bucket. And they sure do go out with a bang. It is truly beautiful.

Funny, those leaves have it figured out. They are leaving with grace and beauty. They could just shrivel up and die without so much as a yellow speck. But they age gracefully with a myriad of color and then drift pleasantly to the ground. Stunning.

I could take a note from the leaves. I have been through many, shall I say, season's......and I have fought said seasons tooth and nail. There was nothing beautiful or stunning about the way I ended. I didn't even leave a beautiful impression behind. I simply shriveled up and fell flat to the ground.

But, have you ever considered what would happen if we didn't have an autumn season? The leaves would remain on the trees and would add weight to the trees when the snowy season hits, which would in turn cause broken tree limbs on homes and power lines. The leaves would die anyway, but would leave destruction in their wake.

I guess the leaves get this. (I realize leaves have no intelligence whatsoever, but humor me, OK?) So they end their season gracefully. Leaving a beautiful memory of what they were, a colorful indication that they are accepting of their purpose.

I want to be like a leaf. When seasons come and go, when death hits (both literal and figurative), when a time has come for me to accept the will of my life, my purpose, I want to do it colorfully.....beautifully. Trials happen, death occurs, pain hits and tragedy strikes. But what do we look like when it happens?

Psalm 96:11-12 Let the heavens be glad, and let the earth rejoice; let the sea roar, and all that fills it; let the field exult, and everything in it. Then shall all the trees of the forest sing for joy.

The trees are here for nothing other than to give glory to God. They fulfill His purpose for them beautifully.

But what if I don't know my purpose? What if I don't know His will for this season.....for my life? Should I wither, or should I fulfill His purpose for my life beautifully? If I don't, will it make things harder later on when the inevitable will happen anyways?

Rate your pain level.....

I hate that question. If I say 10, it might be unnecessary, but if I say 2 they won't take me seriously. Then I have to take into account that I went through 32 hours of labor, and while that was hard, sometimes instant pain, like say.....grabbing a hot curling iron, hurts worse at the moment. Labor and burns are two very different types of pain.....why would they ask the same question for both? Ahhh, that question stresses me out.

I had to answer it last night, at the ER, when I broke my toe. Definitely didn't want to be at the ER, and when I get there they put me in a wheel chair, so I felt even more ridiculous. Some guy comes in coughing up blood, and I am sitting in a wheel chair with pain to my pinkie toe. So lame, yet it hurt so so bad. I answered the stupid question with an 8 at the time of being rolled in. Because that's what it felt like. But as I sat there for 3 hours, waiting to be seen, I saw so much pain in the ER. Physical pain from girl with a severe migraine, emotion pain from family members helpless to do anything to speed time up to be seen, mental pain from a very angry lady who looked like she felt awful, but was just told to sit down and wait. Lots of pain. Suddenly the pain in my toe began to drop.

When the doctor FINALLY came in, she apologized, and I told her it really wasn't a big deal. If it weren't for the fact that I have an always moving toddler, I wouldn't have been there at all, but I needed it fixed. She began asking me all these questions, "Do you have any medical allergies? Any existing heath problems? Are you pregnant? Are you on any medications? What is your pain like if I do this?" All I really wanted to know was if it was broken or not, why the whole run around? Why not just come right out and say it? It dawned on me later that she wanted to get a real feel for my pain level before the told me it was broken because I imagine that mentally knowing something is broken may cause you to think you are in more pain than you are, which would cause you to push for pain meds. Makes sense right? Smart doctors. They know what they are doing.

But do we as humans? When someone is in pain, how often do we jump to the rescue or solve the issue with the "answer" to their problem? Sometimes I think stating the obvious to someone might cause the pain the be worse at the moment. Think about the last time you didn't get a lot of sleep, or may have been up all night with the flu? How helpful is it when someone says "Wow, you look like you have been hit by a bus!" Doesn't that normally make you feel worse? (Or maybe in your sleep-deprived mind make you wish that THAT person would get hit by a bus. Obviously not a healthy thought, but we are blaming it on lack of sleep, remember?)

My favorite is when someone says "Oh you think that is bad, just wait until.........!" How the heck is that helpful to my situation? Did you even listen to what I was saying?

Sometimes I think we all could get better at just listening about someones pain. Maybe in listening and asking questions we will be guided to the right way on how to help them.

This is a big lesson as a parent for me. Mikayla falls and I make a big deal out of it, so she instantly panics. But if I wait for her to tell me that something hurts, the boo-boos tend to be few and far between. Sometimes I think pain is caused when someone draws attention to something that should be painful, when in reality it doesn't really hurt that bad. I don't want to point out hurt that may not really be there in the first place.

*** I really don't know if any of this post made sense, just lots on my mind.***

Never given more than we can handle.....

Many people claim this "truth". Heck, I was even tempted with the thought today.
Mikayla has been a mess today. From the moment she woke up she has had a temper-tantrum for everything under the sun. I have tried my best to not give in to what she asks for, because I need the behavior to stop. I need her to know she can't have all that she wants. I need her to know that this life is at times, disappointing. Sounds awful right? Wrong. How much greater is happiness when it follows disappointment? How much greater does it feel to be given the gift of a reward when you know what it feels like to not receive it? Lessons that my sweetie is learning today through the act of not getting her chocolate milk until she eats her banana. Not too cruel of a mama, am I?

Well you would think so by the way she has been acting. It has been......dare I say it......Hell. The hardest day I have ever had since my sweet bundle of joy was placed in my arms for the first time. Then the whisper came to me "You are never given more than you can handle...." Ya I am pretty sure that was Satan whispering to me. What? You are shocked that Satan would use scripture to get to me? He did it with Jesus, why wouldn't he do it to me? He wanted me to think that I could get through this day on my own. He twisted scripture, like he did with Jesus, to draw me away from the truth of the Father.

You see, so many people who may not understand this verse will use it to get through a tough time of trials. But have you ever read this verse? It says:

¹³ No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.

It is used when talking about temptation. We are never given more TEMPTATION than we can handle. Why in the world would God NOT allow trials we can't handle in our lives? There would be no reason for us to come to Him if we could do it on our own.

I so could not, and cannot do today without HIM. I was given WAY more than I could handle today, and if it weren't for that, if it werent for God allowing more than I could handle, I might have listened to the lie of the enemy that said "You are never given more than you can handle." It would have allowed me to think that I am powerful, when I was powerless. And I might have been a terrible mother today. But I wasn't. I was a great mother today. I cried and begged and I pleaded for God to have mercy. He gave me the peace and patience of a monk, and He gave Mikayla a 3+ hour nap :)

So glad for the ability to be driven by weakness to His feet. And so thankful for the work of the Holy Spirit in my life that allowed me to recogonize the covert lie of the enemy.

Praying for a better afternoon.

Speed up to stop...

Tangible conversations with God. Have you ever had one? I have had several moments when I felt the Holy Spirit leading me to a decision or realization, but never have I had a true, audible conversation with Him.

Until a few days ago.

I was driving to my moms after a somewhat crummy afternoon. I found out I wasn't pregnant this month, and it hit me badly. Whether it was the hormones or true sadness, I was a mess. We have only been trying for baby #2 for a few months, but with the news came the flood of memories of trying to get pregnant with Mikayla. The month-by-month game of "was this the month?" that lasted over a year. We have not done anything to prevent pregnancy since Mikayla was born, and I can't help the creeping thoughts that suggest that maybe we won't get that opportunity again. Again, that is probably the hormones talking. Of course, it doesn't help to hear the well-intentioned but super unhelpful advice of "it will happen when its supposed to." I know that, but it doesn't make it easier. I just can't wait to see Mikayla with a baby brother/sister, and it seems that any amount of time waiting feels too long.

Anywho, I was driving. Trying to kick the sadness, I was doing my best to sing along with the praise music I had playing in the car. I glanced in my rear view mirror and saw for the third time on my drive, ANOTHER car on my bumper. Was I going too slow? Was I oblivious to the speed limit? I was about to speed up when the car quickly swerved around me and then immediately halted to a stop. Red light.

Me: Speed up to stop! Super smart you stupid car. That will teach you to try and speed me along.
God: Funny, that's how I feel.
Me: What?
God: That's exactly what you are doing Rachel. You are trying to push things along only to swerve around and halt to a heart-breaking stop.
Me: I don't get it.
God: You want to be pregnant, but you don't really talk to me about it. You just try to push Me along when you think the timing is right, and then end up swerving around me only to be stopped in sadness by the realization that it didn't happen this month.
Me: I have prayed about this though.
God: Yes at the beginning of the month, maybe, and sometimes at the end when you say "God, please let this be the month." But never daily, never seeking whole-heartedly.
Me: So you are saying I am like that car? That I am right on your bumper when I want something at the moment, but then I get impatient, swerve around you, only to be stopped by a red light......a red light I create for myself?
God: Yes.
Me: Oh.
God: Its not that I don't want this for you, and I am not saying that this road trip you are on towards having another child is not what I want for you, I am just saying that I want you to not take matters in your own hands. Quit trying to drive over the speed limit I have set for you. You are still going to get there, maybe just not as fast as you would like.
Me: Not sure how I feel about that......

And then the song "Ready Now" came on the radio. The song says:

So take my heart
and make it new
make it true
And make it like You
Take my hands
I lift them high
They're Yours not mine to do
Do what You will
Do what You will
Do what You will
I'm ready now, Do what you will.


Do what you will. Do I want that? Of course I want God's will in my life.....what kind of Christian would I be if I didn't? But do I REALLY want His will if I swerve around His plan for my life? If I want to speed ahead of Him by not ever consulting him? Maybe if I truly sought out His will for this specific area of my life, I wouldn't want to swerve around it. Maybe I would like His plan. After all, I prayed for His perfect will when trying to get pregnant with Mikayla, and she could not have been more perfect. I shudder at the thought of what things would have been like had God let me skid past His will for me then.

I am ready now. God, do what you will. I will wait because you said I must. I will ask for the desires that I believe you have given me, but if now is not the time, then, OK.

This little light of mine....

So, let me guess.....you all have been sitting on the edge of your seats, waiting for my next blog post, right? Well if you are my mother, then your answer is yes, but if you are anyone else, well are you anyone else? :) I still don't know if there is anyone who reads this blog.....and well lets be honest......there isn't really anyone who WRITES this blog either. What happened? I would say I fell off the wagon, but if that were the case, I have been on one too many wagons without a seat belt. Nope, wasn't the wagons fault....definitely mine. I have not done a thing. No writing, no working-out, no crafting, just a lot of child rearing. A LOT.


But here I am, to talk about said child.


She is a funny thing, that little Mikayla. In the last month she has learned to sleep in a toddler bed, speak in sentences, sing songs, take off ALL her clothes multiple times a day, use the potty, and work my last nerve. And at the very moment she kills that last nerve, she is miraculously able to re-instate all of my sanity with the bat of her killer blue-green eyes, and the showing of the sweet little dimple on her right cheek. Love her, but, she is exhausting.


We were playing with flashlights today because we created a super-fantastic fort in the basement. Yep, I was a cool, fort-building mama today. Don't let me fool you though, I have not done many cool things lately. Haven't felt like being cool...too tired to be cool. Thought I would change that today.


One of our flashlights is a little emergency flashlight that doesn't require batteries, and it charges by shaking it back and forth, a lot. Mikayla quickly pinned it as "Mee-kayla's Flash Light" (That is how she says her name, so cute). Since it doesn't work without shaking it a bazillion times, it is never working when it is in her hands. So she brings it to me this evening and says "Fix-it mommy." So I start shaking it, but her little, over-eager, two-year-old body couldn't take the waiting, so she snatched it from me, super excited to see the dim little light peeking through the top of the glass of the flashlight. It would only work for a few minutes before we started the whole routine over again. Never once was it fully charged. Needless to say, I have hidden "Mee-kayla's" flash light for a while.


It got me thinking. Being a light in this world requires a lot of work. It requires patience and diligence, and the second the light becomes dim, we need to and should re-charge that light. But how often do we become content with the dull, dim light. I mean, there is still light right? We are still being somewhat helpful and Godly, right? The darkness has not yet taken over, so there is still good......right?


Is it right? When I am walking in the dark while, say, camping......I rely on that flashlight to reveal all in my path. The dimmer the light, the less that is revealed. Sure, my immediate path may be illuminated, but how close do I come to say a snake or maybe a big rock I could trip over. Or what if I am walking with someone on this figurative camping trip. Is my dim little light going to help them any?


Being a light in this world does not mean to just keep ourselves out of harms way. It means to radiate light so that people can't help but be guided by and thankful for God's work in you.


The few times I have been camping and caught without a flashlight, it is a bit terrifying, and I find myself stuck, seeking ANY source of light to get me to where I need to go. I can't help but smile at the thought that someone around me is stuck in the dark, and I may be the only light they see. I want it to be BRIGHT!

Here is my little light, my Mikayla "Ray" of sunshine. I don't know if my brother will be thrilled I posted this, but....oh well :)

Cleanin up!

OK, so I just can't get the hang of writing lately. Its not like there hasn't been a lot to write about, because, well, my world has pretty much turned upside down in the last month. But I am not someone who feels like writing "Today Mikayla finally fell asleep" or "I woke up this morning and practically squashed my toddler who somehow managed to fall asleep on the floor next to my bed without me knowing." Who really wants to read that? Besides, that is what facebook is for. I want my blog to be a reflective outlet. Something I can look back on years down the road and feel just as inspired then as I was the day I wrote it.

With that being said, we will see if today fits the bill.

Do any of you have something that is totally de-motivating to you? Like perhaps when you begin a new diet/workout routine and you walk though the checkout lane with your cart full of HEALTHY groceries and see the latest celeb clad in a bikini on the cover of a magazine with a headline that reads "How I lost 50lbs in 5 weeks post-pregnancy." Yep. DE-MOTIVATION to the extreme.

While some women have super-model envy, I have clean home envy. It seems to me that every woman who writes a blog has a model home. Their houses are gorgeous and I am constantly thinking "Do they really have kids?" I just have one kid, and with the amount of cheerios and macaroni on the floor, you would think I had a houseful. My mom always said that you could mortar a house with wet cheerios. Once they are stuck to the floor, they are there for forever.

Mopping the kitchen floor is the worst. You know you don't do it enough when your husband walks in and says "Your mopping? Wow. I am impressed." That should not be impressive, I am a house-wife for pete's sake. And my kitchen is the size of a thimble, mopping requires me to stand in the center and spin in a circle. Not that hard, and yet, never gets done.

I was grossed out tonight, so decided to just bite the bullet. I began mopping when Mikayla bounced in wanting to help. She wanted to use the broom, so I let her. But as I was mopping, she followed behind me with the broom, basically making dirty streaks because of the previously wet area that I just mopped. At first I told her to go out of the kitchen, but she was so set on cleaning (or "key-nan" as she puts it) that I just tried to mop around her as best I could. It took a bit longer than I intended, but the floor is clean!

I got to thinking about it though. About how as Christians we are called to live a life of morality and character, and that often requires a "clean-up" of our lives. Sometimes we can cause messes along the way like Mikayla did with the broom, but if our heart desires cleanliness, why does it matter how long it takes? I knew Mikayla wanted to help clean, and I showed her how to do it. Sure, she made some messes, and it took much longer than if I did it myself, but she also learned. I don't know that God cares how long it takes for us to "clean-up" as long as our heart desires cleanliness, and we learn along the way. And sometimes the "messes" happen when we take control of the cleaning process ourselves, instead of relying on The Ultimate Washer of our filthiness.

I wonder if God hates mopping just as much as I do.........