Its been a long time.....almost a year! Let's pretend that did not happen, and pick up where we left off......shall we?
Its been quite the month for me. LOTS of pain, physically and emotionally, ending with a complete meltdown that sent me straight into the arms of God. Definitely a good place to be, but the way I got there was less than desireable. Every night for the last week I have had un-interrupted, focused, intimate dates with God (thanks to my wonderful husband for shouldering our parenting burden known as bedtime by himself!) It's been such a nice treat to snuggle up with a blanket and some yummy tea, and dive into several books that have taken me on an in-depth dive into The Word......for hours each night. I think I have spent more time with Him in the last 5 days than I have in the last 5 months! That is both a sad and exciting realization. It has been comforting, heart breaking, romantic, thought provoking and........exactly what my soul has needed.
I was brought to a huge realization last night of how much I need to meet with God in the morning before my day begins. I have always fought the idea, because well I am not a morning person, but more so because I have more focus during the hours when Mikayla naps, so that is when I dedicate my time to prayer and devotions. But then I read this in my book last night:
"Do not have your concert first, and then tune your instruments afterward. Begin your day with God." -J. Hudson Taylor
Every day is to be a concert.....especially as a mother, there are PLENTY of sounds throughout the orchestra of my life. Why in the world do I let myself believe that I can go even half the day on my own strength?
Now, does that mean I have to spring out of bed with a bubbly disposition? Goodness I hope not. Do I have to wake up hours before dawn to dedicate that time to the Lord? Maybe.....if dawn is when the chaos begins. Mikayla is typically my alarm clock, and she then proceed's to "wake-up" by watching cartoons and eating her cereal for about 45 minutes every morning. SO this morning I decided to use Mikayla's "zombie" time of day to pray and seek God's plan for my day.....and then use her nap time to read and study.
As I was journaling this morning, I noticed that I was on the second to last page of my journal! Such a cool feeling to know that I filled a whole book with my conversations with the Lord. As I turned the page I noticed that my dear-little-artist-of-a daughter, drew pictures all over the last page! Determined to finish out my prayer (and have my last page be filled with words to the Lord and not scribbles) I just wrote around the scribbles. Then I laughed at the irony. Even in my private devotional book I am having to work around my child! The thought then occured to me. God wants our devotion. He wants us to push through our distractions of life to dedicate time to him. He wants us to "write around the scribbles" of our life in order to begin and finish with Him. Its not about filling a certain quota of the day.....its not about having hours and hours of prayer in order to mark something off the check-list. Its about loving Him with dedication and devotion........and I am now convinced that my dedication and devotion must begin in the morning, and finish with Him at night.
I am reminded of the story of how God blessed the people of Israel with manna every day to sustain them for the journey. They were to collect it EVERY MORNING, because when the sun grew hot, the manna melted away (Exodus 16:21). It was easily accessible but they were commanded to collect what they needed for themselves alone, every morning. They were also commanded to not keep any till the following morning, because it would become maggot infested. IT WAS NO USE TO THEM THE NEXT DAY.......huh. My time with the Lord is not made to sustain me for weeks, or even days....my time with Him is supposed to sustain me for that day. It is made to strengthen me for that day. How can I receive that if I wait to seek him mid-day? Like I said, He showed me good stuff these last few evenings!
Dear Lord, Thank you for loving me. Thank you for always continuing to pursue me......even in my denial and sin. It is sinful to not love you with my whole heart, mind, and strength. Help me to recognize your subtle love notes throughout the day so that I may be in better tune with the orchestra you have placed me in in this life. I love you God.....so so so much.